Herman Sets Up an Exploratory Committee

Sherman: Herman, I think our host is getting cranky. You keep waking her up at 2:00 a.m.

Herman: This is important. I can’t make a blog post without her hands. And you told me that I couldn’t leave her brain anymore to type it myself. So this is my only alternative.

S: Fine. What are you blogging about now?

H: Well, it seems that in order to run for president, you need to have an exploratory committee or something. So I’ve set one up. I call it HECUP.

S: Hiccup?

H: No, HECUP: Herman’s Exploratory Committee for Uber-President.

S: Uber-President?

H: Well, I don’t want to be just an ordinary President. Duh.

S: So who is on this committee of yours?

H: What?

S: Your committee, who’s on it?

H: No one’s on it. It’s just one of those acronyms I made up.

S: Herman, if you want to run for president, you’re going to need a real committee out there to examine the possibilities for you.

H: No I don’t. I can explore on my own. I have a Tonka truck and with my bionic body, I’m good to go anywhere. I was thinking about heading down to Antarctica first.

S: Antarctica is not part of the United States.

H: Why not?

S: Probably too cold. I don’t know. In any case, there’s no need for you to go there because there’s no one to campaign to other than maybe some whalers or fishermen. Might be some extreme sports guys out there or something… Herman, you can’t leave the host’s brain anymore anyway.

H: Fine, I’ll make her go.

S: Just like you made her go to Home Depot and buy all of that red duct tape for your wallpapering project that went nowhere.

H: It’s not my fault, Mr. Sherman Knows All, that you can’t duct tape water. I’m telling you I could have solved that Asian carp problem with strategically placed strips of duct tape on the river. But no! You have to go and ruin my efforts, once again! Sherman, sometimes I think you just hate my genius.

S: I just think you need to flesh out your plans a little better, Herman. These wild ideas that come on you in the middle of the night usually won’t work out. Just because you dreamed of a giant green lobster who told you that red duct tape would stop the Asian carp dead in their tracks doesn’t mean it’s real.

H: You just want me to lose in 2012!

S: No Herman, I don’t.

H: Well, I won’t. I’m going to find a way to hack into the interwebs and put my name on all the ballots for all positions all around the world. I’m bound to end up with some sort of job.

S: Or in jail.

H: Pfft. There’s no jail small enough to hold me. Besides, I’m bionic, I can break down walls with my bionic pinkie finger.

S: So I’ve seen. So, speaking of politics, ahem, did you happen to see Newt Gingrich on…

H: Don’t! Don’t! Curse you Sherman! You know Newt is my arch enemy!

S: I though you were both on the same side?

H: We are, but still. I need an arch enemy, and newts are good at that sort of thing.

S: He’s not a newt, that’s just his name.

H: You are what you eat.

S: I don’t think he eats newts.

H: Oh! You know him personally? You know his eating habits? ARGH! What am I to do with you, Sherman?

S: Right now, I think you’re going to let our host go back to sleep and you need to rethink your strategy for becoming president.

H: Ok. Remind me in the morning that I need to add fishing line to my inventory.

S: For the Asian carp?

H: Asian carp? Why would I want fishing line for Asian carp? No, it’s for my tunnel of tortures. I use fishing line to pull furniture into the path of our host while she’s sleep walking. Makes for some of the coolest bruises.

S: Herman, go to sleep. Now.