Herman Resigns… Or Does He?

Dear Chocolate Lovers Inside of People’s Brains,

I, Herman, the President of our most beloved organization, hereby resign my post as President. Yes, I know I’ve only held the position for a mere week, but that was all part of my plan. I needed presidential experience so that I could run for President of the United States.

That’s correct, I want to be the your representative for President of the United States in the 2012 election. I trust that you submit to me your ideas for review so that I may broaden my understanding of what you, my friends, desire to see from our next President.

H: SHERMAN!!!! I don’t understand any of this. When I asked you to write up my resignation, I just wanted to you to say something like, “Dudes, I’m outta here. Headin’ for the big White House! C U L8R.”

S: I know what you wanted, but this will appeal to more people.

H: But I don’t like people.

S: If you want to be the President of the United States, you need to like people. You need to get to know them, understand them, what they want, what they need.

H: Why?

S: So they’ll elect you.

H: Stink. I don’t like this whole election thing anymore. Can’t I just be the President?

S: It doesn’t work that way.

H: It should. Make things a whole lot simpler for me. Dagnabbit! I already bought all of these Sharpies. What am I going to do with all of them?

S: You could donate them to schools in the area. 25,000 cases will go a long way.

H: BUT THERE ARE KIDS IN SCHOOLS!

S: You’d be dealing with adults, Herman, you wouldn’t have to talk to the kids.

H: Whew. But wait, why would I want to give away my Sharpies… especially to schools?

S: Just a kind act, something they’ll remember about you when they go to vote.

H: Oh, yeah. Hey Sherman, got any other good ideas? I ordered 645,000 rolls of purple contact paper. Who can I give that to?

S: 645,000 rolls? Purple? Herman, what on Earth did you do that for?

H: They were on sale.

S: But we don’t need any. We don’t live in a house, we live in a brain.

H: But Sherman! They were ON SALE! Dude, never pass up a sale.

S: Well I have no idea who’d need, or want, that much contact paper, let alone purple contact paper. Maybe…

H: I know! That’ll be my color. You know they have blue and red for the democrats and republicans and stuff, well, I’ll be purple. We can use it for posters and signs and I can cover my new car with it and…

S: Car? You have a car?

H: Yeah. My first act as PoCLIoPB was to buy myself a car with our funds.

S: We didn’t have any funds.

H: I know, so I’m leaving you with a debt to pay off. Hey, I couldn’t just be walking around town. I needed wheels, man.

S: (sigh) So what kind of car did you buy?

H: Oh! It is so cool! I got a brand new John Deer 9870 STS combine. It’s big! Good thing I have bionic legs now, otherwise I’d never be able to get up into the cab.

S: You bought a combine to use as a car?

H: Is that bad?

S: Well you can’t exactly go driving down your local interstate on one.

H: Why not?

S: For starters, they’re too wide.

H: Nuh uh. It fits fine on the road.

S: Yes, but other cars can’t get around you.

H: Not my problem they weren’t smart enough to buy a bigger car.

S: You know these tractors don’t go very fast.

H: That’s okay, it’ll give people more time to admire me. And besides, I’m going to have that jet engine I bought on eBay put on it.

S: You bought a jet engine?

H: Well, yea, you know, in case I needed it. Oh! And the tractor has a Bullet Rotor! Is that cool or what?

S: What’s a Bullet Rotor?

H: Absolutely no idea, but it’s got one and it sounds cool. Anyway, I can use some of that contact paper and turn it into a big purple power machine! Woohoo!

S: Well, Herman, if you really do want to be President, you need to sit down and really think this out. Stop spending money on things you don’t need and start listening to other people.

H: BUT I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE!

S: If you want them to elect you as president, you need to change your attitude.

H: Fine! But I’m keeping my tractor.