Herman and Sherman Return

Herman and Sherman, two mild-mannered brain cells took some time off to adjust to their new bionic bodies. Herman didn’t like being without arms and legs, so he managed to arrange to get himself and Sherman the futuristic bodies. How he was able to contact, let alone interact with a colony of nanites was beyond Sherman’s grasp. Most of what Herman did shocked and stunned and stupefied Sherman. But once they were back in their host’s body with their new arms and legs, Sherman was happy because Herman had at least, for the time being, stopped complaining.

H: SHERMAN!!!!!

Well, the quiet didn’t last long.

S: What?

H: I’m going to run for president.

S: That’s nice.

H: Are you going to vote for me?

S: Sure, why not.

H: Well that’s dumb. You don’t even know what my stand is on anything.

S: You’re right, I’m sorry. So what are your ideas?

H: Okay, sit down, this is great! First… you’re not sitting.

S: That’s okay, I think I can take it standing up.

H: But you’re supposed to sit.

S: Why?

H: Because you’re my audience and audiences sit.

S: Not always.

H: But if you don’t sit, you can’t stand later to applaud me.

S: I think I can manage. Go ahead and tell me where you stand on issues.

H: Why would I stand on tissues?

S: Issues, Herman, not tissues.

H: Well standing on tissues doesn’t make any sense. I mean, I know we’re short and all, but they have zoom lenses on the cameras. Besides, I could stand on a stage. Tissues would be too squishy and I’d sink down and they wobble and…

S: Herman, just tell me your ideas for when you become president.

H: Oh! Yeah! I have lots of ideas! But no tissues, unless you have a cold or something. Okay, first… dude, you’re still not sitting.

S: Okay, I’m sitting now. Go ahead, impress me.

H: (ahem) First, if you vote for me, I will put more people on the moon and Mars!

S: Really?

H: Well yeah. I don’t like people. Better to have them on the moon than here.

S: Of course. How silly of me.

H: Second, I will do away with taxes.

S: And how will you do that?

H: I figure I’ll need a couple boxes of Sharpies and just scribble it out of all the forms. I might need to hire someone to do that. Hmm, better make a note of that. Scribbler person. Okay. Three. I will balance the budget.

S: Dare I ask how?

H: Easy. See there are all these numbers in red and the guy on t.v. said they need to be black to balance the budget. Stupid people haven’t figured out that all they need is to change the color! I learned how to do it in Excel and if it’s in another program, I’ll just order more Sharpies.

S: (sigh) Okay, what about the health care system?

H: Won’t need one.

S: Why’s that?

H: No one will be sick.

S: Why not?

H: Cuz I’ll get Dr. McCoy to fix them. He’ll just go around with his little “spoosh” thingy and poke ’em all in the neck and fix them. No one will be sick any more.

S: Dr. McCoy?… Wait, McCoy from Star Trek?

H: Yeah. He can cure anything. Don’t know why they haven’t called him yet to fix all these diseases. People are really stupid.

S: Herman, Dr. McCoy isn’t a real doctor. That’s an actor playing a doctor.

H: But it was on t.v.!

S: He’s not a real doctor.

H: But he says he is. He’s always saying, “Jim, I’m a doctor not a …” well, whatever Jim thinks he is that day. Apparently Jim has a memory problem if Bones has to tell him that he’s a doctor all the time.

S: He’s just an actor, Herman. He can’t really cure people of diseases.

H: Well maybe he really is a real doctor and you’re just a doofus. Anyway, I’m also going to build a bridge.

S: Just one?

H: Hmm. Well, I was thinking about two, but I think one will be enough.

S: And where will this bridge be?

H: I don’t know. I just know I want one. A big one. The biggest one ever! Then the Discovery Channel can come out and record it being made and I’ll be on television and be famous and stuff and maybe get a job as a documentary commentator guy or something.

S: As a side job?

H: What?

S: If you’re going to be president, won’t that be a side job then?

H: No. I’d do both at the same time. Then people will say, “That guy is the voice on all of those television shows.”

S: So you think that being a voice-over artist would be more rewarding than being President of the United States?

H: President of the United States?

S: You said you were running for president.

H: I am.

S: (sigh) If you’re not running for President of the United States, what presidential position are you running for?

H: I was thinking I’d run for President of Chocolate Lovers Inside of People’s Brains, or, as it’s known in the inner circles: Pock-lee-ohh-pub. And since there’s only two of us, one of us needs to be president, right?

S: Pockleeohhpub?

H: Sherman, sometimes I think you’re really stupid. PoCLIoPB. It’s an acronym. Pockleeohhpub. So you gonna vote for me?

S: Sure, Herman. Why not.

H: Yay! You can be my official scribbler person. Grab the Sharpies!