Herman and Sherman and the Number Problem

It was a nice quiet Thursday evening. Herman and Sherman’s host was asleep, so they were on routine maintenance mode. Sherman busied himself with keeping the heartbeat and breathing regular, monitored for any problems, but basically, just relaxed.

Herman, however, was his usual fanatical self. He bounced around the chamber making his own sound effects as he did so. Boink! Kwish! Whimma whimma whoosh! Blop! Then suddenly it stopped. Sherman paid him no mind, he was just happy for that moment of silence.

SHERMAN!!!!

S: What?

H: SHERMAN!!!!!!

S: I’m right here, Herman. What is it?

H: Oh, yeah. Hi!

S: What’s wrong, Herman?

H: Who invented numbers?

S: What? What do you mean?

H: Numbers, you know, one, two, three… who made them up?

S: God, I suppose. Why?

H: Well, ’cause, I was thinking… what if the numbers are wrong?

S: How can the numbers be wrong?

H: What if one really isn’t one, but is actually like 5,342 or something? I mean, who really knows?

S: Herman, it’s science. It’s been proven time and again, the numbers are right.

H: Dude, no, no… what if the scientists were wrong? I mean, that’s like a policeman letting a thief go just because the thief says he didn’t do it.

S: This is different.

H: But what if they really are wrong? What about the imaginary numbers? If these scientists had come up with all the numbers in the universe, why would they need imaginary numbers? Dude, I’m telling you, the numbers are wrong. There’s probably some numbers they’re missing, like quigliteen or farfnoogle or something. There’s probably millions of numbers they’re missing! SHERMAN!!! WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!

S: I think it’s all going to be okay. Just go and take a little nap.

H: I would but you stole my bed.

S: You don’t have a bed.

H: I don’t? No, wait, I don’t have one because you stole it!

S: I don’t have a bed and neither do you. We’re brain cells, we just sort of float around in here.

H: Then where do I sleep if I don’t have a bed?

S: Right where you’re standing.

H: OH NO!!! I don’t have any legs!!! SHERMAN! MY LEGS ARE MISSING!

[sigh]

S: You don’t have legs. Look, neither do I. We’re brain cells. Just go to sleep.

H: I can’t.

S: Why not?

H: I can’t close my eyes.

S: You don’t have eyes.

H: My point exactly. My word, Sherman, how have we lived like this for so long? Dude, seriously, none of this bothers you?

S: We are brain cells, we’re not meant to look human.

H: Okay. Good night Sherman.

All was quiet for about five minutes when Herman woke up and yelled out Sherman’s name once again.

H: Dude, I don’t think God invented numbers.

S: Why do you say that?

H: Well, it’s not in the Bible. Like, I was reading Genesis and stuff, and you know it says He created the space and the water and the animals and the plants and the planet and then He created Adam and stuff. But it doesn’t say He created numbers. And… and… and… then there’s the book of Numbers in there and Sherm, I hate to tell you this, but it doesn’t say anything about God creating numbers. It’s just like this long list of people and things they are to do. Dude, what those Levites had to go through to make jeans!

S: That’s Levi’s, not Levites, Herman.

H: Oh, I just thought Levites were tiny Levi’s. Stop it! Now you’re confusing me! Sherman, it doesn’t say anything about God inventing numbers or math or anything. So it all has to be wrong!

S: It’s not wrong, Herman. If numbers were wrong, then wouldn’t the alphabet be wrong too?

H: No, that’s different. You know, ’cause people like drew things and stuff to mean things and stuff and the drawings just got more simple and stuff and then became the alphabet… and stuff.

S: Wow, that’s pretty insightful, Herman. Did you think of that all by yourself?

H: Yeah, duh, after the guy on the History Channel told me about it. Or was it the Discovery Channel? Or maybe I read it in National Geographic. Or…

S: Herman, it doesn’t matter. Numbers are fine just as they are.

H: No they’re not. I told you, if they were, they wouldn’t need imaginary numbers. If there are imaginary numbers, then there should be imaginary math and like, any answer would be right.

S: Perhaps you’re right. I’ll see what I can do about it.

H: Finally! Okay, so now, where are my legs again?