An Interview with a Brain Cell… or Two.

Hello friends. Tonight we’re interviewing two very distinguished guests. Inside the head of our blogger lives two brain cells known as Herman and Sherman, who amazingly have thoughts of their own, outside of their host’s body. So please, give a warm welcome to Herman and Sherman.

H: Thank you, Bill.

S: His name is James, idiot. Don’t mind Herman, he’s still half asleep.

H: Am not.

S: Are too.

H: If I’m still asleep, how am I talking? Hmmm?

S: You always talk in your sleep, which is why, Mr. Snore-so-loud-you-rattle-the-brain-cavity, that I can’t sleep!

H: Then maybe you should find another brain to live in Mr. Smoochy Pants.

S: Smoochy Pants? What does that have to do with anything?

H: I don’t know, you tell me!

S: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

James: Gentlemen! If we could carry on with the interview…

H: Oh right, sorry James Idiot. Sherman had me distracted.

S: Dude, his name is James. Period.

H: You said it was James Idiot.

S: I said James comma idiot. I was calling you the idiot for not knowing what his name was.

H: You didn’t say anything about a comma being in his name.

S: Herman! Just call him James.

H: Hi James! See how Sherman tries to mess me up all the time? Doofus.

James: So other than feuding between yourselves, what else do you do?

S: Lots of stuff. Clean out the brain cavity. Process information for our host to use. Look at stuff. Wander around through all the little crinkles in here then play hide and seek. One time it took Herman three years to find me. It was great.

H: He was lost is what he was. Like I’d look that long. Stupid cell.

James: What do you do, Herman?

H: Stuff. And if I tell you what stuff, I’ll have to kill you. It’s all very top secret. Like you know, seeing what the host is writing.

S: As if you can read!

H: Ignore him. I also play puh-tit, puh-tat.

S: Oh dear, here we go.

James: puh-tit, puh-tat?

S: He means ping pong.

H: Well, the balls don’t make either a ping sound or a pong sound when you play, so I decided that the name was all wrong and renamed it put-tit, puh-tat. See, brilliance.

S: Idiocy.

James: What are the two of you doing these days?

H: Being thoughtless. Our host is reading Mein Kampf so we have a lot to do. I have to look at words and things and see if they’re funny.

S: Everything to you is funny. I, on the other hand, actually do the work. Process the information presented, analyze it within context, look up any information that our host might not have readily at hand, process that information to see if it gels with what is written. Extrapolate data and

H: Bzzzweeehaaaa

S: … and try to make her forget about Herman’s antics so she can focus on her work.

H: Boink!

S: See what I mean?

H: Hey look Sherman, if you run really fast into this curve here, it’s like one of those waterslide thingies. The landing kinda hurts though. I need a steering wheel.

S: What for, you don’t have any arms to steer it with.

H: Duh, Mr. Brainiac… I’ll steer it with my mind. I am a brain cell, you know!

S: Then just steer it with your mind, you don’t need the steering wheel.

H: Where are my arms and hands going to rest then?

S: YOU DON’T HAVE ARMS!

H: Yes I do, they’re imaginary.

S: Fine, you can use your imaginary arms on your imaginary steering wheel while you’re steering with your mind.

H: Oh. Yeah. Good idea.

S: [sigh]

H: Sherman, do you have a car I can borrow? I need something to put the steering wheel in.

S: No, I don’t have a car because we are brain cells. We don’t drive. We don’t need to go anywhere. We’re inside of a human head. Just imagine up a car!

H. Okay. What brand do you think? I think I’d look good in a Ferrari.

S: Fine.

H: Oh! A Hummer! That would work really well for those kinks and curves in her brain. Yeah, baby, now we’re talking.

S: I don’t think it’ll help you much in there, but whatever you want.

H: James, want to go for a ride in my new car?

James: No thank you. But let me ask you, do either of you have ambitions? Goals in life?

H: I want a new car. This one is yellow. I don’t want a yellow car.

S: I would like to get away from Herman.

H: Zoinks! Eegads!

S: He’s thought of something. God help us all.

H: Yo, Sherm, dude, I changed the color of the car with my mind.

S: That’s nice.

H: I bet I could redecorate my house with my mind too!

S: You don’t have a house.

H: What? Since when? Who stole my house? Sherman? Sherman did you take my house?

S: We don’t have houses, Herman, we’re brain cells living inside of a human brain.

H: I could have sworn I had a house this morning.

S: And you could have sworn you ate Fruit Loops for breakfast too.

H: Nah, I had Frosted Flakes with nanners. I love nanners.

S: You’ve never eaten a banana. Now go and look for your house.

H: Maybe it was apricot.

S: It wasn’t. Go on, look for your house and don’t stop until you find it.

James: If I may ask, aren’t there 100 billion neurons and 1 trillion glial cells in the human brain? How did you become the last two?

H: Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know! Sherman is like the head neuron, so he has to do all the really boring stuff like you know, run the nervous system. But I… heehee… I’m a glial cell. I am the glue that holds everything together. I get to process information and then weee! I am the support and protection that Sherman needs to do his thing. Without me, there’d be nothing!

S: Of course you left out the part that actually answers James’ question. You, dear little glial cell, also remove dead neurons and since you couldn’t tell which ones were alive and which ones were dead, you eradicated them all except for me. I barely escaped with my life.

H: Well, yeah, there’s that too. Forgot about that. But on the bright side, look at all this extra room we have now!

James: So there really are only two cells in the host’s brain? And she is still able to function? How is that possible?

H: Pfft. We’re that good. Onward steed, it is time to feed the alligators in the moat! Giddyup!

[Silence]

H: Hey Sherman, where did my horse go?

S: You don’t have a horse.

H: Then how am I supposed to get to the moat?

S: There is no moat.

H: Then where do the alligators live?

S: Herman, there is no horse, there is no moat and there are no alligators to be fed. It’s all in your imagination.

H: Dude, ain’t no way there are alligators in my head. I’d feel em. Eww… that’s just gross. Now I’m gonna have nightmares!

James: Perhaps we should continue this interview at another time?

S: Might be a good idea. Herman seems to be a little frantic at the moment.